2 Years Ago Today...

Reflections...
I remember the excitement. I had been anxiously waiting to find out the gender of our baby.
I remember the ultrasound. The sound of the buttons clicking as she took measurements. Lots of clicking, not a lot of talking.

I remember waiting a long time to see the doctor.  I thought we were going to be late for lunch with our moms. I was already trying to convince Josh to name her Charlotte before the appointment was over.

I remember the doctor showing us pictures. There were a few things that looked abnormal on the ultrasound. She said it could be serious or it could be nothing. I’ll always wonder why she said that. I think she knew it was something.

She told us we needed to follow up with a specialist two days later. That was a red flag.

I didn’t cry until I was in the car.

But we had to go eat lunch with our moms, so I stopped crying. I remember the excitement on their faces as we said it was a girl and then the fear as I started sobbing. I pulled myself together. It might be nothing, it might be nothing...

I remember the follow up appointment. He looked at the ultrasound and knew immediately. He took us in his office and broke the news to us. I’ll never know how he tells people things like that day after day.

I remember knowing it was fatal, but I didn’t fully understand the diagnosis. I asked how long she could live outside the womb. “Maybe 15 minutes.”

And that was when it hit me. We were going to lose our baby girl.

I remember we drove to our church and told a pastor because we couldn’t face our family yet. I remember his tears mixed with ours.

I remember we hid out at his house for a while. Josh called his parents and mine. I didn’t know how to tell them their grandchild was going to die.

I remember finally seeing my family. What was there to do? I remember sitting and crying. And sitting. And crying.

And so our journey began.

Thinking of you especially often today, baby girl.

Charlotte's Brother

I don't even know where to begin. My life has changed so completely in the last three and a half weeks. I've finally found the time and energy to sit and write (thanks to my husband who is currently occupying our son!)

Titus Andrew Pyper was born on January 10, 2018 at 11:15pm- just 45 minutes before his due date. He weighed 8 lbs 8 oz. Everything about his birth was so different than our experience with his sister. Since my labor with Charlotte went so quickly, we arrived at the hospital at 7:30am with expectations of meeting our son by mid afternoon. But oh, God had a different plan for us.

Long story short, giving birth to Titus was the hardest physical trial I've had yet. I went the natural birth route because I thought, "Hey, I did it with Charlotte. I can do it again." Honestly, if I had known I would be in labor for 17 hours, I would have taken some pain medication!

There were several small challenges that we faced during birth and shortly after. Titus had shoulder dystocia and ingested meconium, which led to lots of activity in the delivery room for a few minutes after he was out. He needed some help to start breathing, but we quickly heard his small cries from across the room. And then he was finally handed to us! Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Titus and Charlotte Bear

He has his sister's nose and reddish hair. His fingers look like hers, too. These days I cry because he will never meet his sister on this side of heaven. I cry because I would love for her to be here right now, enjoying her baby brother. And I cry because I still can't believe our son is ours to have and enjoy for as long as God wills. We are in awe of our little miracle!

Also, I'll admit after three and a half weeks that being a mom is hard. I'm more tired than I could have imagined. I'm emotional and trying to navigate being a mom of two children, while only raising one of them. I feel needy and extra dependent on Josh, who is my perfect partner in all of this. But more than anything, I'm so incredibly thankful to God that I spend my days feeding, watching, and cuddling my son. It's the best job in the world.

My heart goes out to anyone reading this who has experienced loss and hasn't yet found joy in life after loss. I know sometimes it feels like it will never happen. The wound of losing Charlotte is still so fresh. I can cry over Charlotte one minute and rejoice over Titus the next. I find comfort in the fact that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. He's in control and he loves me and my children more than anyone else. As hard as it is in times of suffering, may we all come to the place where we can say, His will be done.

It's taken me a while to process and find words to write about Titus, but I knew I needed to share our joy with those of you who shared our grief. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers that have gotten us through two pregnancies. So many of you have been on this journey with us for almost two years. You are blessings from God, and I say again- Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Where Joy and Sorrow Meet

Charlotte's birthday decorations

Over the past several months, there have been many times when I wanted to write but didn't. Charlotte's first birthday has come and gone. She would have been 1 year old on August 27, 2017. The months leading up to that day were very painful as I thought about what life would be like if she survived. Her birthday weekend ended up being a wonderful time of celebration and remembrance. It was perfect. But it was too hard to write about it. Now let's rewind a bit...

The last time I wrote, it was January 2017. We never could have imagined all of the changes and surprises that would come our way this year. Josh and I realized after losing Charlotte that we wanted to have another child as soon as God would allow it. January, February, March, and April passed and I was about to have an emotional breakdown. I was so discouraged and I knew God was in control, but I wanted a baby so badly. Other infant loss moms had told me that getting pregnant again didn't make everything better, and my mind believed them, but my heart didn't. I was convinced of just that- being pregnant again would make everything in life better.

On May 1, 2017, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Josh and I were cautiously happy. I quickly realized that the baby's due date would be in January. I thought of my older sister, Alison, who had miscarried while I was pregnant with Charlotte. Her sweet second child would have been due in January. Even though it was a different year, I knew how difficult it could be for my pregnancy to mirror her lost one. I called her and tried to gently tell her the news. She laughed in disbelief and explained that she had a positive pregnancy test just two days before me. We were both pregnant- and both due in January!

Gretchen at 25 weeks, Alison at 27 weeks

At first, I was so excited that we were experiencing our pregnancies after loss at the same time. The next day, worry set in. Not only did I have my pregnancy to be concerned about, but I had hers too! I kept thinking about everything that could go wrong. Pregnancy after loss is so extremely complicated, and in a matter of days I realized that the other moms had been right. My new pregnancy didn't fix anything. Instead, it brought joy, grief, excitement, and fear all together. Let's just say it's been a crazy few months.

In August, we anticipated our 18 week appointment for the new baby- the appointment that gave us Charlotte's diagnosis. In the car ride there, we were a little anxious but mostly calm. I felt like since we had experienced the worst news any parents could receive, we were prepared for anything. We were surrounded by prayers and we felt it. The ultrasound tech was the nicest person in the whole world, who explained everything thoroughly and quickly told us that our baby was a BOY and that he was perfect. Her words, not mine! He was flipping around and kicking during the ultrasound, and he's been at it ever since. Titus Andrew Pyper is due January 11, 2018.

The week after our appointment we moved to Avon, IN for Josh's job. The next week, we came back home for Charlotte's birthday weekend. We had a little birthday party, church, and a trip to the cemetery. It was emotional, but we remembered and loved her well. It was very special having Titus there with us. He will hear all about his big sister.

Josh, Gretchen, and Titus on Charlotte's birthday

I still burst into tears about once a week because I'm pregnant and I miss my daughter. It's hard to prepare for Titus when I never got to prepare for Charlotte. I know it's not completely rational, but I want to postpone filling my house with baby things until he's here. January can't come soon enough!

We are continually on this emotional roller coaster. Please keep the three of us in your prayers. In this period of complicated anticipation, I'll remind you that God is good. He is the same today as the day we got Charlotte's diagnosis. He doesn't change based on our circumstances. We praise God for Titus' life the same way we praise God for Charlotte's. Where joy and sorrow are constants in our life, Jesus is there weeping and rejoicing with us.

With love,
Gretchen

Oh, What a Year It's Been

A year ago, my husband and I joked that our New Year's resolution was to have a baby. We awaited 2016 with eager excitement, looking forward to expanding our little family of two. Lo and behold, in February, the pregnancy test was positive (and the one after that, and the one after that) and Charlotte entered our hearts and minds forever.

I had a forty minute commute to work back then, and I remember tearfully driving and realizing how much love I already had for this tiny, 5 week old human. The love was overflowing, pouring out of my soul with every thought of my new baby. This was happening to Josh as well, who was having trouble keeping the news to himself!

In March, we saw Charlotte for the first time. I still have the ultrasound picture on our fridge.

In April, we had another good check up. I loved every single appointment. Seeing and hearing her brought us such joy. Babies are miracles.

In May, we learned of Charlotte's diagnosis and I started this blog. Her diagnosis didn't change the way we gazed at her in amazement on the ultrasound. It didn't change the fact that she was a miracle. It didn't change the way we identified her as our child. It didn't change the truth that she was a tiny human growing inside me. Her diagnosis only amplified my instinct to protect her, provide for her, enjoy her, and love her unconditionally.

Let me tell you, the fourth month without Charlotte has been just as painful as the first.

The holidays are hard. I've fought feelings of anger, bitterness, envy... And then I think about Charlotte. Not about losing her, but about having her. See, creating, carrying, and meeting Charlotte was the best thing that has ever happened to us. The hardest, yes, but the best. When I remember the joy and the blessing that my daughter brought to us, I realize she is another gift from God that he gave to us graciously, generously, mercifully, and I thank God for his goodness. 

Each day is a battle.
Yes, sometimes I hanker down on my couch with my crocheting and hide from the world.
Yes, sometimes I have a great time laughing and playing with family and friends.
Yes, Charlotte is always on my mind.
Yes, I still trust God.
Yes, asking me about it helps. A lot.

So, here's to 2017, to all the unanticipated surprises awaiting us. Thankfully, I know the One who knows it all. Oh, what a year it's been.

Revive My Heart

Over a month has passed since I gave birth to Charlotte. And oh, what a month it has been. This past weekend I went to a True Woman conference called Cry Out! with 7,000 other women from all over the world. We gathered together to cry out to God on behalf of our country. In my heart, I cried out to God for many reasons.

As I looked around the room that held thousands of other women, something struck me. I realized how often we as women define ourselves by our roles. I saw pregnant women and realized I wasn't in that group anymore. I saw young mothers with their babies, and I wasn't in that group either. I felt like I was in a strange in-between group, and nobody else was there with me.

Thankfully, this conference was about crying out to God, and I have gotten very good at that. So cry out I did. I cried out to him to help me find my identity in Christ and Christ alone. I cried out to him because I'll never get to go to a woman's conference with my daughter the way my mother and I did. I cried out to him, comforted by the fact that he knows what it's like to lose a child. I cried out to him because I'm tired of crying. I cried out to him knowing he's working all things for my good, even when I don't see it. I cried out to him because I'm sad. I cried out to him, overwhelmed by his goodness.

The conference was put on by Revive Our Hearts. What a fitting name! I needed God to revive my heart with love for him, a hunger for his word, and a new perspective of approaching his throne of grace in prayer. He wants to hear from us. How amazing is that? Whether it's a prayer about the upcoming election or a prayer for the strength to get out of bed in the morning, God hears you, he hears me, and he cares.

Even as I write this, I know I'll need to be reminded of these truths tomorrow. This path that I'm on is three steps forward, one step back. It's only by the grace of God that I can take any steps forward at all.

Here's another giant THANK YOU to everyone for the cards, flowers, prayers, and kind words. The high school boys' soccer team that my husband coaches planted a beautiful rose bush at my parents' house in Charlotte's memory. The amazing gestures of kindness from young people has been so humbling.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Charlotte Anne Pyper

On Saturday, August 27, 2016, I gave birth to our daughter, Charlotte Anne Pyper. Her arrival came very suddenly, as I had her about an hour after I got to the hospital. Getting to the hospital was an adventure of its own, involving an ambulance ride for me with my mother riding along and my husband meeting us at the hospital. (Josh and I were both out of town in different directions when I started having contractions.) It was all a little too exciting for me, but God provided in getting us to our hospital before having little Charlotte, and nothing else matters!

Charlotte had a heartbeat right up until delivery. By the time she was placed on my chest, her heart had stopped. Josh and I were both so happy to see her, and knowing ahead of time that our time with her would be short, God truly allowed us to have joy in her arrival. Saturday was such a peaceful time of enjoying Charlotte. We passed her around and everyone that saw her and held her fell in love.

She. Was. Perfect.

It's very hard for me to think about how short our time was with her, but I have peace every time I think about everything that went on that day. God worked every detail to give us so much more than we thought possible (Ephesians 3:20). He gave us a quick labor, wonderful nurses, a great doctor, supportive family who rejoiced with us in her arrival, talented photographers, faithful prayer warriors, and he has been providing for us emotionally and physically ever since.

We had a small, intimate graveside service on Tuesday with our family. I'm still amazed that we've all made it through this week, and we are able to laugh together and smile together, amidst the crying together. Charlotte was surrounded by a lifetime of love on Saturday.

By God's grace, August 27, 2016 was a good day.

31 Weeks

Almost two weeks ago, we had an appointment with our doctor. He told us that the baby was tolerating conditions well and he thought we would make it full term to our October due date. A mere four days later, my body drastically changed. I knew something felt different. After debating and trying to shrug it off, back to the doctor we went. This time, he told us my body was "doing its homework" and Baby Pyper would likely be here in the next 3 weeks. Wow!

It has already been a week since we heard that news. I'm not sure if it has even sunk in that we might meet our baby in the next few weeks. Physically, I'm definitely more uncomfortable now, but I'm hanging in there! I still feel the baby moving around and I love that.

I wanted to write this time to give more of a medical update than I have in the past. It's probably a little harder to read, but it's real. At every appointment, the doctor tells us about different physical features of our baby. Our baby's head is more oval and less round than normal. Since I have such low fluid, the baby's head doesn't have much room. Remarkably, the brain's structure and function is perfect! Also, our doctor always points out the small chest of our baby. As the baby grows and develops, the chest cavity cannot keep up. The chest remains small because the lungs are not developing. There isn't enough fluid to fill the lungs and allow the baby to practice "breathing." While the kidney failure is the cause of the low fluid, the grim prognosis is due to the eventual pulmonary failure.

So when our doctor says our baby is doing well, we understand that he means our baby is surviving right now, and we have more cherished time. It's amazing because it's just a snapshot. He tells us what he sees right then. And as we found out a few weeks ago, things can change so quickly! So every time we have an appointment, we get to take a deep breath, knowing we have that moment, that hour, that day. And beyond that, we know nothing.

Nothing except God can be trusted. So we rest in that. We know he can do anything in our situation, but we also trust that he's given us a very knowledgeable doctor, preparing us for the future. Right now we are walking a very thin line between joy and sadness. As we await labor, delivery, and meeting our baby with anxious excitement, we are also forced to think about the unthinkable. We must think about cemeteries, burial arrangements, grave sites... It's ridiculously hard.

But this is our life right now. I feel like I could lose it at any given moment, and sometimes I do. My husband hugs me and rubs my back until I pull myself together, and on we go.

To all of you who have sent us cards, gifts, or words of encouragement, THANK YOU. You are truly a gift from God. And to those of you walking through your own incredibly difficult time, you are an encouragement and inspiration to me.