Where Joy and Sorrow Meet

Charlotte's birthday decorations

Over the past several months, there have been many times when I wanted to write but didn't. Charlotte's first birthday has come and gone. She would have been 1 year old on August 27, 2017. The months leading up to that day were very painful as I thought about what life would be like if she survived. Her birthday weekend ended up being a wonderful time of celebration and remembrance. It was perfect. But it was too hard to write about it. Now let's rewind a bit...

The last time I wrote, it was January 2017. We never could have imagined all of the changes and surprises that would come our way this year. Josh and I realized after losing Charlotte that we wanted to have another child as soon as God would allow it. January, February, March, and April passed and I was about to have an emotional breakdown. I was so discouraged and I knew God was in control, but I wanted a baby so badly. Other infant loss moms had told me that getting pregnant again didn't make everything better, and my mind believed them, but my heart didn't. I was convinced of just that- being pregnant again would make everything in life better.

On May 1, 2017, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Josh and I were cautiously happy. I quickly realized that the baby's due date would be in January. I thought of my older sister, Alison, who had miscarried while I was pregnant with Charlotte. Her sweet second child would have been due in January. Even though it was a different year, I knew how difficult it could be for my pregnancy to mirror her lost one. I called her and tried to gently tell her the news. She laughed in disbelief and explained that she had a positive pregnancy test just two days before me. We were both pregnant- and both due in January!

Gretchen at 25 weeks, Alison at 27 weeks

At first, I was so excited that we were experiencing our pregnancies after loss at the same time. The next day, worry set in. Not only did I have my pregnancy to be concerned about, but I had hers too! I kept thinking about everything that could go wrong. Pregnancy after loss is so extremely complicated, and in a matter of days I realized that the other moms had been right. My new pregnancy didn't fix anything. Instead, it brought joy, grief, excitement, and fear all together. Let's just say it's been a crazy few months.

In August, we anticipated our 18 week appointment for the new baby- the appointment that gave us Charlotte's diagnosis. In the car ride there, we were a little anxious but mostly calm. I felt like since we had experienced the worst news any parents could receive, we were prepared for anything. We were surrounded by prayers and we felt it. The ultrasound tech was the nicest person in the whole world, who explained everything thoroughly and quickly told us that our baby was a BOY and that he was perfect. Her words, not mine! He was flipping around and kicking during the ultrasound, and he's been at it ever since. Titus Andrew Pyper is due January 11, 2018.

The week after our appointment we moved to Avon, IN for Josh's job. The next week, we came back home for Charlotte's birthday weekend. We had a little birthday party, church, and a trip to the cemetery. It was emotional, but we remembered and loved her well. It was very special having Titus there with us. He will hear all about his big sister.

Josh, Gretchen, and Titus on Charlotte's birthday

I still burst into tears about once a week because I'm pregnant and I miss my daughter. It's hard to prepare for Titus when I never got to prepare for Charlotte. I know it's not completely rational, but I want to postpone filling my house with baby things until he's here. January can't come soon enough!

We are continually on this emotional roller coaster. Please keep the three of us in your prayers. In this period of complicated anticipation, I'll remind you that God is good. He is the same today as the day we got Charlotte's diagnosis. He doesn't change based on our circumstances. We praise God for Titus' life the same way we praise God for Charlotte's. Where joy and sorrow are constants in our life, Jesus is there weeping and rejoicing with us.

With love,
Gretchen

Oh, What a Year It's Been

A year ago, my husband and I joked that our New Year's resolution was to have a baby. We awaited 2016 with eager excitement, looking forward to expanding our little family of two. Lo and behold, in February, the pregnancy test was positive (and the one after that, and the one after that) and Charlotte entered our hearts and minds forever.

I had a forty minute commute to work back then, and I remember tearfully driving and realizing how much love I already had for this tiny, 5 week old human. The love was overflowing, pouring out of my soul with every thought of my new baby. This was happening to Josh as well, who was having trouble keeping the news to himself!

In March, we saw Charlotte for the first time. I still have the ultrasound picture on our fridge.

In April, we had another good check up. I loved every single appointment. Seeing and hearing her brought us such joy. Babies are miracles.

In May, we learned of Charlotte's diagnosis and I started this blog. Her diagnosis didn't change the way we gazed at her in amazement on the ultrasound. It didn't change the fact that she was a miracle. It didn't change the way we identified her as our child. It didn't change the truth that she was a tiny human growing inside me. Her diagnosis only amplified my instinct to protect her, provide for her, enjoy her, and love her unconditionally.

Let me tell you, the fourth month without Charlotte has been just as painful as the first.

The holidays are hard. I've fought feelings of anger, bitterness, envy... And then I think about Charlotte. Not about losing her, but about having her. See, creating, carrying, and meeting Charlotte was the best thing that has ever happened to us. The hardest, yes, but the best. When I remember the joy and the blessing that my daughter brought to us, I realize she is another gift from God that he gave to us graciously, generously, mercifully, and I thank God for his goodness. 

Each day is a battle.
Yes, sometimes I hanker down on my couch with my crocheting and hide from the world.
Yes, sometimes I have a great time laughing and playing with family and friends.
Yes, Charlotte is always on my mind.
Yes, I still trust God.
Yes, asking me about it helps. A lot.

So, here's to 2017, to all the unanticipated surprises awaiting us. Thankfully, I know the One who knows it all. Oh, what a year it's been.