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| Charlotte's birthday decorations |
The last time I wrote, it was January 2017. We never could have imagined all of the changes and surprises that would come our way this year. Josh and I realized after losing Charlotte that we wanted to have another child as soon as God would allow it. January, February, March, and April passed and I was about to have an emotional breakdown. I was so discouraged and I knew God was in control, but I wanted a baby so badly. Other infant loss moms had told me that getting pregnant again didn't make everything better, and my mind believed them, but my heart didn't. I was convinced of just that- being pregnant again would make everything in life better.
On May 1, 2017, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Josh and I were cautiously happy. I quickly realized that the baby's due date would be in January. I thought of my older sister, Alison, who had miscarried while I was pregnant with Charlotte. Her sweet second child would have been due in January. Even though it was a different year, I knew how difficult it could be for my pregnancy to mirror her lost one. I called her and tried to gently tell her the news. She laughed in disbelief and explained that she had a positive pregnancy test just two days before me. We were both pregnant- and both due in January!
At first, I was so excited that we were experiencing our pregnancies after loss at the same time. The next day, worry set in. Not only did I have my pregnancy to be concerned about, but I had hers too! I kept thinking about everything that could go wrong. Pregnancy after loss is so extremely complicated, and in a matter of days I realized that the other moms had been right. My new pregnancy didn't fix anything. Instead, it brought joy, grief, excitement, and fear all together. Let's just say it's been a crazy few months.
In August, we anticipated our 18 week appointment for the new baby- the appointment that gave us Charlotte's diagnosis. In the car ride there, we were a little anxious but mostly calm. I felt like since we had experienced the worst news any parents could receive, we were prepared for anything. We were surrounded by prayers and we felt it. The ultrasound tech was the nicest person in the whole world, who explained everything thoroughly and quickly told us that our baby was a BOY and that he was perfect. Her words, not mine! He was flipping around and kicking during the ultrasound, and he's been at it ever since. Titus Andrew Pyper is due January 11, 2018.
The week after our appointment we moved to Avon, IN for Josh's job. The next week, we came back home for Charlotte's birthday weekend. We had a little birthday party, church, and a trip to the cemetery. It was emotional, but we remembered and loved her well. It was very special having Titus there with us. He will hear all about his big sister.
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| Josh, Gretchen, and Titus on Charlotte's birthday |
We are continually on this emotional roller coaster. Please keep the three of us in your prayers. In this period of complicated anticipation, I'll remind you that God is good. He is the same today as the day we got Charlotte's diagnosis. He doesn't change based on our circumstances. We praise God for Titus' life the same way we praise God for Charlotte's. Where joy and sorrow are constants in our life, Jesus is there weeping and rejoicing with us.
With love,
Gretchen
