Revive My Heart

Over a month has passed since I gave birth to Charlotte. And oh, what a month it has been. This past weekend I went to a True Woman conference called Cry Out! with 7,000 other women from all over the world. We gathered together to cry out to God on behalf of our country. In my heart, I cried out to God for many reasons.

As I looked around the room that held thousands of other women, something struck me. I realized how often we as women define ourselves by our roles. I saw pregnant women and realized I wasn't in that group anymore. I saw young mothers with their babies, and I wasn't in that group either. I felt like I was in a strange in-between group, and nobody else was there with me.

Thankfully, this conference was about crying out to God, and I have gotten very good at that. So cry out I did. I cried out to him to help me find my identity in Christ and Christ alone. I cried out to him because I'll never get to go to a woman's conference with my daughter the way my mother and I did. I cried out to him, comforted by the fact that he knows what it's like to lose a child. I cried out to him because I'm tired of crying. I cried out to him knowing he's working all things for my good, even when I don't see it. I cried out to him because I'm sad. I cried out to him, overwhelmed by his goodness.

The conference was put on by Revive Our Hearts. What a fitting name! I needed God to revive my heart with love for him, a hunger for his word, and a new perspective of approaching his throne of grace in prayer. He wants to hear from us. How amazing is that? Whether it's a prayer about the upcoming election or a prayer for the strength to get out of bed in the morning, God hears you, he hears me, and he cares.

Even as I write this, I know I'll need to be reminded of these truths tomorrow. This path that I'm on is three steps forward, one step back. It's only by the grace of God that I can take any steps forward at all.

Here's another giant THANK YOU to everyone for the cards, flowers, prayers, and kind words. The high school boys' soccer team that my husband coaches planted a beautiful rose bush at my parents' house in Charlotte's memory. The amazing gestures of kindness from young people has been so humbling.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Charlotte Anne Pyper

On Saturday, August 27, 2016, I gave birth to our daughter, Charlotte Anne Pyper. Her arrival came very suddenly, as I had her about an hour after I got to the hospital. Getting to the hospital was an adventure of its own, involving an ambulance ride for me with my mother riding along and my husband meeting us at the hospital. (Josh and I were both out of town in different directions when I started having contractions.) It was all a little too exciting for me, but God provided in getting us to our hospital before having little Charlotte, and nothing else matters!

Charlotte had a heartbeat right up until delivery. By the time she was placed on my chest, her heart had stopped. Josh and I were both so happy to see her, and knowing ahead of time that our time with her would be short, God truly allowed us to have joy in her arrival. Saturday was such a peaceful time of enjoying Charlotte. We passed her around and everyone that saw her and held her fell in love.

She. Was. Perfect.

It's very hard for me to think about how short our time was with her, but I have peace every time I think about everything that went on that day. God worked every detail to give us so much more than we thought possible (Ephesians 3:20). He gave us a quick labor, wonderful nurses, a great doctor, supportive family who rejoiced with us in her arrival, talented photographers, faithful prayer warriors, and he has been providing for us emotionally and physically ever since.

We had a small, intimate graveside service on Tuesday with our family. I'm still amazed that we've all made it through this week, and we are able to laugh together and smile together, amidst the crying together. Charlotte was surrounded by a lifetime of love on Saturday.

By God's grace, August 27, 2016 was a good day.

31 Weeks

Almost two weeks ago, we had an appointment with our doctor. He told us that the baby was tolerating conditions well and he thought we would make it full term to our October due date. A mere four days later, my body drastically changed. I knew something felt different. After debating and trying to shrug it off, back to the doctor we went. This time, he told us my body was "doing its homework" and Baby Pyper would likely be here in the next 3 weeks. Wow!

It has already been a week since we heard that news. I'm not sure if it has even sunk in that we might meet our baby in the next few weeks. Physically, I'm definitely more uncomfortable now, but I'm hanging in there! I still feel the baby moving around and I love that.

I wanted to write this time to give more of a medical update than I have in the past. It's probably a little harder to read, but it's real. At every appointment, the doctor tells us about different physical features of our baby. Our baby's head is more oval and less round than normal. Since I have such low fluid, the baby's head doesn't have much room. Remarkably, the brain's structure and function is perfect! Also, our doctor always points out the small chest of our baby. As the baby grows and develops, the chest cavity cannot keep up. The chest remains small because the lungs are not developing. There isn't enough fluid to fill the lungs and allow the baby to practice "breathing." While the kidney failure is the cause of the low fluid, the grim prognosis is due to the eventual pulmonary failure.

So when our doctor says our baby is doing well, we understand that he means our baby is surviving right now, and we have more cherished time. It's amazing because it's just a snapshot. He tells us what he sees right then. And as we found out a few weeks ago, things can change so quickly! So every time we have an appointment, we get to take a deep breath, knowing we have that moment, that hour, that day. And beyond that, we know nothing.

Nothing except God can be trusted. So we rest in that. We know he can do anything in our situation, but we also trust that he's given us a very knowledgeable doctor, preparing us for the future. Right now we are walking a very thin line between joy and sadness. As we await labor, delivery, and meeting our baby with anxious excitement, we are also forced to think about the unthinkable. We must think about cemeteries, burial arrangements, grave sites... It's ridiculously hard.

But this is our life right now. I feel like I could lose it at any given moment, and sometimes I do. My husband hugs me and rubs my back until I pull myself together, and on we go.

To all of you who have sent us cards, gifts, or words of encouragement, THANK YOU. You are truly a gift from God. And to those of you walking through your own incredibly difficult time, you are an encouragement and inspiration to me.

Thy Will Be Done

A friend sent me a song called "Thy Will," by Hillary Scott & the Scott family. It immediately resonated with me and has been a source of comfort over the last few weeks.  I read that Hillary wrote the song after experiencing a miscarriage. While it hits very close to home for me, carrying Baby Pyper, I believe the words "Thy will be done" can be applied to everything in our lives.

In Matthew 26, Jesus prayed, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." And that must be our prayer! While our circumstances cannot be compared to those of Jesus, he sets an example for us in his response to his own pain, suffering, and death.

I was listening to a radio segment on the Revive Our Hearts website about the life of George Mueller, a famous pastor in the 1800's. A man of intense prayer, he housed and cared for thousands of orphans in England. Although he endured a tough life, including the deaths of his children and later his wife, he held fast to his faith in Jesus Christ. He said the goal of his life was to glorify God in showing others that trusting God is never in vain. He can be taken at His Word.

The last verse he read to his wife before her death was Psalm 84:11, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield. The Lord will give grace and glory. No good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly." At his wife's funeral he said, "If it is really good for me, my darling wife will be raised up again. Sick as she is, God will restore her again. But if she is not restored again, then it would not be a good thing for me. And so my heart was at rest. I was satisfied with God. All this springs as I have often said before from taking God at His word, believing what He says."

He trusted what God said. It seems so simple. I pray God gives me the strength to keep doing just that. I've struggled with fears about the future in the last few weeks. How amazing to realize God is doing what is good, what is best for us, and for our baby.

At our last appointment, we found out Baby Pyper is growing fast and is almost above the average for weight at 28 weeks. That made us smile! We were told our baby was the average size a few weeks ago, but would eventually fall off the growth curve and end up underweight. I guess that's not happening yet! We praise God for his blessings.

As the weeks keep flying by, I am keeping four words very close to my heart. "Thy will be done."

You Are Not Alone

It has already been a week since our last appointment. The doctor looked at the ultrasound and sighed. He reminded us of the harsh reality that our baby is neurologically normal, with a fully functioning heart. Our baby moves around and has normal reflexes. But the kidneys aren't filtering, so the fluid is too low... and that's where we are.

After the doctor, Josh and I had the opportunity to meet with a friend who has already experienced infant loss. At one point, she looked across the table at me and said, "I want you to know that you are not alone." Her past experiences and our baby's diagnosis had us all in tears, but her joy was not gone, her hope not diminished. She wisely stated that sin's entrance into the world had left a mark on everything. But Jesus is in the business of redeeming all things. How true!

Ever since we found out the news about Baby Pyper, so many women in my life have shared with me their stories, their hurt, their loss. I feel honored that they would talk about these things with me. God is using them to whisper to me, "You are not alone." And there's been countless others who tell me they can't imagine what we are going through, but they are standing with us in prayer and supporting us, and we feel it. This week I have received cards, books, and maternity clothes in the mail!

Yesterday, our pastor continued his preaching through the book of Hebrews. His sermons have been speaking very specifically to our situation. Yesterday the passage included Hebrews 12:1-2.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Right before these verses, Hebrews 11 lists acts of faith of the Old Testament saints. Sometimes, their faith produced miraculous displays of God's power. Other times, their faith gave them the strength to endure pain and torture. The above passage refers to being surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, encouraging us in perseverance, urging us to endure. And yet again, I hear it. "You are not alone." 

So, let me encourage you with this. Whatever situation you find yourself in, whatever hurt you are experiencing, whatever you are going through: You are not alone. There will be times you feel like you just can't do it, but God sees you, he hears you, he provides comfort through His Word, and he brings people into our lives that have been there. What a blessing!

Our Walk of Faith

I am not a writer. But when I realized that the hardest thing I've ever had to do was going to last for about five months, I knew God was giving me a story to tell.

On May 18, 2016, my husband and I found out that our baby's kidneys were not functioning, and we were told that our baby would not survive more than a few minutes outside the womb. I was only 18 weeks along. After looking into experimental treatments, we learned that our baby was not a good candidate. At 20 weeks pregnant, we accepted the doctor's prognosis for our precious child. 

Now, I am 23 weeks pregnant. I've never cried so much as I have in the last month. I didn't know the human body could produce that many tears. I have also never experienced so much joy as I have in the last few weeks, as I have felt my baby's tiny movements on a daily basis. My sisters bought me a pocket fetal doppler so we can listen to the baby's heartbeat at home. Hearing the heartbeat, feeling the movements, and seeing baby grow is so miraculous. Thank you God!

I write letters to my baby every night. I tell about my day, my prayers, and all the people that love Baby Pyper already. Hardly a day goes by without receiving a card in the mail from someone that is praying for the three of us. I have never experienced comfort from the family of God like this before. Wow. Thank you, friends and family in Christ.

Now we are just waiting. Waiting to see what God has in store. And even though there is a billion questions in my mind and plenty of things to worry about, God has given us peace. We have faith that he is working everything for our good. More importantly, we trust God with our baby. We know that he loves our baby even more than we do.

I have chosen to write because the beautiful little life that God has created is with us now! Baby Pyper is alive and that matters to us. This tiny life has a purpose.

Our next doctor's appointment is Monday. I will post updates for those of you that want to know how baby is doing, how we are doing...

(At the last appointment, the doctor said besides the kidneys, our baby looked great!)

God uses our baby to give us blessings every day. I am so thankful to be carrying this child. Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement.

In Christ,

Gretchen Pyper