Oh, What a Year It's Been

A year ago, my husband and I joked that our New Year's resolution was to have a baby. We awaited 2016 with eager excitement, looking forward to expanding our little family of two. Lo and behold, in February, the pregnancy test was positive (and the one after that, and the one after that) and Charlotte entered our hearts and minds forever.

I had a forty minute commute to work back then, and I remember tearfully driving and realizing how much love I already had for this tiny, 5 week old human. The love was overflowing, pouring out of my soul with every thought of my new baby. This was happening to Josh as well, who was having trouble keeping the news to himself!

In March, we saw Charlotte for the first time. I still have the ultrasound picture on our fridge.

In April, we had another good check up. I loved every single appointment. Seeing and hearing her brought us such joy. Babies are miracles.

In May, we learned of Charlotte's diagnosis and I started this blog. Her diagnosis didn't change the way we gazed at her in amazement on the ultrasound. It didn't change the fact that she was a miracle. It didn't change the way we identified her as our child. It didn't change the truth that she was a tiny human growing inside me. Her diagnosis only amplified my instinct to protect her, provide for her, enjoy her, and love her unconditionally.

Let me tell you, the fourth month without Charlotte has been just as painful as the first.

The holidays are hard. I've fought feelings of anger, bitterness, envy... And then I think about Charlotte. Not about losing her, but about having her. See, creating, carrying, and meeting Charlotte was the best thing that has ever happened to us. The hardest, yes, but the best. When I remember the joy and the blessing that my daughter brought to us, I realize she is another gift from God that he gave to us graciously, generously, mercifully, and I thank God for his goodness. 

Each day is a battle.
Yes, sometimes I hanker down on my couch with my crocheting and hide from the world.
Yes, sometimes I have a great time laughing and playing with family and friends.
Yes, Charlotte is always on my mind.
Yes, I still trust God.
Yes, asking me about it helps. A lot.

So, here's to 2017, to all the unanticipated surprises awaiting us. Thankfully, I know the One who knows it all. Oh, what a year it's been.