2 Years Ago Today...

Reflections...
I remember the excitement. I had been anxiously waiting to find out the gender of our baby.
I remember the ultrasound. The sound of the buttons clicking as she took measurements. Lots of clicking, not a lot of talking.

I remember waiting a long time to see the doctor.  I thought we were going to be late for lunch with our moms. I was already trying to convince Josh to name her Charlotte before the appointment was over.

I remember the doctor showing us pictures. There were a few things that looked abnormal on the ultrasound. She said it could be serious or it could be nothing. I’ll always wonder why she said that. I think she knew it was something.

She told us we needed to follow up with a specialist two days later. That was a red flag.

I didn’t cry until I was in the car.

But we had to go eat lunch with our moms, so I stopped crying. I remember the excitement on their faces as we said it was a girl and then the fear as I started sobbing. I pulled myself together. It might be nothing, it might be nothing...

I remember the follow up appointment. He looked at the ultrasound and knew immediately. He took us in his office and broke the news to us. I’ll never know how he tells people things like that day after day.

I remember knowing it was fatal, but I didn’t fully understand the diagnosis. I asked how long she could live outside the womb. “Maybe 15 minutes.”

And that was when it hit me. We were going to lose our baby girl.

I remember we drove to our church and told a pastor because we couldn’t face our family yet. I remember his tears mixed with ours.

I remember we hid out at his house for a while. Josh called his parents and mine. I didn’t know how to tell them their grandchild was going to die.

I remember finally seeing my family. What was there to do? I remember sitting and crying. And sitting. And crying.

And so our journey began.

Thinking of you especially often today, baby girl.

Charlotte's Brother

I don't even know where to begin. My life has changed so completely in the last three and a half weeks. I've finally found the time and energy to sit and write (thanks to my husband who is currently occupying our son!)

Titus Andrew Pyper was born on January 10, 2018 at 11:15pm- just 45 minutes before his due date. He weighed 8 lbs 8 oz. Everything about his birth was so different than our experience with his sister. Since my labor with Charlotte went so quickly, we arrived at the hospital at 7:30am with expectations of meeting our son by mid afternoon. But oh, God had a different plan for us.

Long story short, giving birth to Titus was the hardest physical trial I've had yet. I went the natural birth route because I thought, "Hey, I did it with Charlotte. I can do it again." Honestly, if I had known I would be in labor for 17 hours, I would have taken some pain medication!

There were several small challenges that we faced during birth and shortly after. Titus had shoulder dystocia and ingested meconium, which led to lots of activity in the delivery room for a few minutes after he was out. He needed some help to start breathing, but we quickly heard his small cries from across the room. And then he was finally handed to us! Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Titus and Charlotte Bear

He has his sister's nose and reddish hair. His fingers look like hers, too. These days I cry because he will never meet his sister on this side of heaven. I cry because I would love for her to be here right now, enjoying her baby brother. And I cry because I still can't believe our son is ours to have and enjoy for as long as God wills. We are in awe of our little miracle!

Also, I'll admit after three and a half weeks that being a mom is hard. I'm more tired than I could have imagined. I'm emotional and trying to navigate being a mom of two children, while only raising one of them. I feel needy and extra dependent on Josh, who is my perfect partner in all of this. But more than anything, I'm so incredibly thankful to God that I spend my days feeding, watching, and cuddling my son. It's the best job in the world.

My heart goes out to anyone reading this who has experienced loss and hasn't yet found joy in life after loss. I know sometimes it feels like it will never happen. The wound of losing Charlotte is still so fresh. I can cry over Charlotte one minute and rejoice over Titus the next. I find comfort in the fact that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. He's in control and he loves me and my children more than anyone else. As hard as it is in times of suffering, may we all come to the place where we can say, His will be done.

It's taken me a while to process and find words to write about Titus, but I knew I needed to share our joy with those of you who shared our grief. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers that have gotten us through two pregnancies. So many of you have been on this journey with us for almost two years. You are blessings from God, and I say again- Praise God from whom all blessings flow!